Saturday, December 25, 2004

Rampage in Hawaii

Well, first, I'm flattered that fifteen to twenty people have been checking my site even though there are no updates. On the other hand I'm starting to wonder if twenty visits a day is what you get just from search engines and other robots. Hmm...

The minute I got off the plane, some broad in a grass skirt with a clam-shell bikini-top tried to strangle me with a noose disguised as a bunch of flowers. Being an expert in ninjitsu, I karate-chopped her hand and judo flipped her. Then I was getting set to strangle her with her own noose when another one blind-sided me with a flying side kick, knocking me to the ground. I rolled immediately to my feet, and another one came at me with a series of front kicks. I blocked the first, then the second, but by then I was getting so distracted by the legs kicking out of that grass skirt, that I leaned into the next one and took it full on the chin. Meanwhile, the first one was sweeping me, which is another distracing move in a grass skirt by the way, and I fell to the ground...

Or, if you prefer the literal truth, I tried to sneak by the lei girl, who was wearing a dress instead of a grass skirt, but she came over to where I sat down and threw a bunch of allergy-inducing flowers over my neck with a not-very-enthusiastic "aloha". I think she'd had a bad day or something.

I had to choose between being a deeply humiliated and nasally challenged guy wearing a bunch of flowers around his neck or being a curmudgeon and just taking it off. After about five minutes, Mr. Curmudgeon won. Mr. Nose thanked me.

If you are ever in Wikiki, don't try to use an ABC store as a reference. There are about forty of them in a square mile. Seriously, there is at least one place where you can walk down a street past ten stores and three of them are ABC stores. They're sort of like 7/11 for tourists. One guy owns all of them.

Jelly fish are cool. Not the ones in the ocean, the ones in the aquarium.

Oahu has been fun. Highest BP I've ever seen (that's Babe Percentage).

I've only been in the water once, and it's feaking cold. I'm going to have to get even with the guy who told me it was warm.

Haven't had any fresh tropical fruit, except for some papaya. It's amazing to me that the restaurants don't emphasise that stuff. In fact the restaurant situation here is odd. They have these little touristy streets lined with little touristy shops, with hardly any decent restaurants along them. I've been in the San Francisco Bay area enough that I expect a street like that to have a restaurant every third shop or so. And no freaking MacDonalds or Jack-in-the-Box.

Oh, and this is fun. I've lived in the San Francisco Bay area for three years without ever having a guy hit on me. Four days in Oahu and it happens. Just made me want to take a shower. Alone, I mean. So, we aren't allowed to hurt their feelings by pointing out how filthy and disgusting their activities are, but they can go around creeping us out at will. Hardly seems fair. Shudder.

But the biggest bummer of the trip is that I have yet to see a woman in a grass skirt with the clam-shell thingies. What's with that? I mean, don't these people know they have a cultural heritage to uphold? I saw a hula dancer but she was wearing one of those long dress things. Bo-o-o-oring. Well, OK, she made the dress thing look kind of hot, but still, I wanted the grass skirt.

I'm leaving for Kawaii in the morning. Hopefully. I can't get anyone to tell me when and where to catch the shuttle, so I may have to rely on city buses, and that's always a bit risky.

I've you don't hear from me in two weeks, tell the rescuers that I'm probably somewhere between Waikiki and the airport. Thanks.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

oh, one more thing before I go...

Why don't you conservative bloggers lay off of Chevy Chase's career? Sure, call him an idiot. Point out his lack of civility. Criticize his hosts for having him there. But he did some great movies. The scene in "Christmas Vacation" where he is running around with a squirrel on his back is one of the best ever. He was funny in the other Vacation movies too, and Fletch was good. And I even liked "The Three Amigos". The scene where Steve Martin has to talk Chevy Chase into playing the piano is one of the great 10-seconds of commedy history. And he was great on Saturday Night Live.

You guys dumping all over his career sound like junior-high girls talking about the girl they don't like. Nothing she does is right. Her clothes are stupid. The way she talks is stupid. The way she talks is stupid.

Hey, you sound like liberals talking about George Bush.

Please knock it off. You're embarrassing me.