Wednesday, June 25, 2008

dietary choices

Klaxophone's comment on my last post deserves to be promoted to post level:
This inspires me to re-imagine a tv commercial from the sixties, maybe for Pepto-Bismol. Some guy and his stomach talk about his dining choices:

Man: I was just chowing down on a 7-eleven steak-and-jack-cheese taquito when I tasted something kind of funky.

Gut: That would be the 7-eleven steak-and-jack-cheese taquito.

Man: I spit out the food in my mouth...spent the next five very unpleasant minutes...

Gut: In most cases you could avoid this unpleasantness by not eating taquitos from 7-eleven.

Man: You've always hated 7-eleven.
I'd like to thank Tim and Klax for their concern over my health. And don't think their wise words have not made a difference in my life. Oh, no. Tonight I am turning over a new rock. Making a fresh soap. I just ordered Dominos pizza and hot wings. If I taste anything funky, I'll just pretend it's a new sauce.

health update

In case I had anyone worried by by last post --I didn't wake up dead this morning.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

am I paranoid?

I was just chowing down on a 7-eleven steak-and-jack-cheese taquito when I tasted something kind of funky. I was about to swallow to get the taste out of my mouth but then somewhere deep in the back of my mind, registered the fact that this strange taste was not food. It was a sort of chemical taste familiar yet unfamiliar, as though I had smelled it before but never tasted it before. I spit out the food in my mouth but still tasted the stuff, so I went to the sink and washed out the taste.

Then --this is where I think I might be a little paranoid-- I started thinking about people who had been poisoned by store-bought food, I spent the next five very unpleasant minutes trying to thoroughly empty my stomach contents.

The portion that I spit out of my mouth is now sitting on my kitchen counter instead of in the trash. If I wake up dead in the morning, the forensic geniuses will find the taquito and identify the poison and use some fantastic new method for raising fingerprints from chewed food and catch the bastard.

So, what should I do? Call the cops and turn in the half-chewed taquito or just admit that I'm being paranoid and let it go?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

movies written by 10 year olds shouldn't be on TV

Unfreaking believable. I'm watching "100 Million BC" on the SciFi channel and I'm convinced the movie was written by a 10 year old. It starts with a Navy search-and-rescue team that goes time traveling back to the time of the dinosaurs with no training or preparation at all. They take no special equipment --just their normal gear. This team is supposed to be the Navy's best search and rescue team, but it is populated by a bunch of undisciplined, panicky idiots.

They have to take an old guy along because he's the only one who knows how to push the button that opens the portal that sends them back. And then the old guy --a genius who was working on secret military projects at the age of twelve-- has to stay behind because he couldn't figure out how make a device that would close the portal without someone pushing a button. Then it shows him being attacked by a dinosaur as he is closing the portal but doesn't show him actually killed. So, following the rule that bad movies always have the most tired plot twists they can think of, you know that the old guy is going to show up again to save the day. And he does. Wow. Could have knocked me over with a feather.

There are dinosaurs that are a cross between Alien and Jurassic-Park raptors. They move almost too fast too see when facing automatic weapons, but slow down to normal dinosaur speed when facing spears. Then there is the fifty-foot tall dinosaur with skin too tough for an M-60 --the machine gun that can penetrate a couple of inches of armor steel. These big boys can also jump hundreds of feet in the air which you learn when it catches the helicopter with the smart-guy who didn't believe there was a dinosaur, another predictable plot element. Oh, and the big dinosaur once waited eight days outside a cave to get one human who probably didn't have enough calories to keep the thing going for one day. That shows how smart the dinosaur is.

Of course, there are lots of good, exciting moments too, unless you've seen the Alien movies and the Jurassic Park movies and any time-travel movie, in which case you've seen all of the moments before.

I've come to not expect much from made-for-SciFi-channel movies, but this one is even worse than usual. Why can't the Sci-Fi channel get decent scripts when there are thousands who could do better than this and would do it for damn-near free if they could get their script made into a real movie.

On the plus side, though, the acting and directing in this movie were better than in a lot of made-for-SciFi movies.

new storyblogging carnival

I haven't been writing many stories lately, but if you have one on your blog, be sure to enter.