I thought I'd take the opportunity of tonight's blog post to delve into controversial matters, specifically pickle spears: annoying waste of plate space that would be better spent on a larger sandwich or tasty treat of sweet sourness? For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, if you dine at one of the higher-end sandwich establishments (higher-end than Subway or McDonald's, I mean) you will find that it is customary to add an unannounced and unadvertised pickle spear on the plate next to the sandwich. This custom has become controversial in recent minutes, prompting me to try to clarify some of the issues.
First, let us consider the position of the anti-picklers. Those on the anti-pickle side of the isle like to refer to themselves as pro-sandwich, and out of courtesy, I shall use the name that these morons prefer to use for themselves although it is a stupid and deceptive name. I shall also refer to them as strawmen because of their common preference for plastic drinking straws.
The strawman position is that if there were no pickle on the plate next to the sandwich, then the sandwich would be bigger. Another common strawman argument is that the presence of an unadvertised garnish distorts the product, making something other than what was contracted for in the purchase. And finally, the strawmen claim that pickle spears are slimy and icky and that no one wants a slimy icky pickle spear next to their sandwich.
I will address each of the argument individually. The first argument is stupid. The second argument is moronic. The third argument has a kernel of truth, but is aesthetically dimwitted.
Having disposed of the strawman position, let me explain why that pickle spear is a delightful soury little treat. First of all it is delightful, second it is sour, third it is rather small, and finally, it is a treat.
I hope that this balanced review of the pros and cons of the great pickle debate has been enlightening. Tune in again next week for "straws: danger to distracted nostrils or great way to impress a first date by looking like a walrus".